Until we have walked in others’ shoes, we’ll never know what they’ve been through. All things considered, it is not fair for us to hope for others to see with our eyes. Even more so, those leading interesting lives should not expect those who’ve seen less to possess their nature, their sensibility, or their temperament.
Upon an emotional topic, when someone looks away, brushes it away, or changes the topic, they either aren’t willing or aren’t ready to discuss a touchy subject with you; best to leave it alone. At worst, you may get bullied or vile remarks. But sometimes, a well-read person will attempt a response, and it will go something like this excerpt between Sean McGuire and Will Hunting in Good Will Hunting:
“If I asked you about art, you could probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him – life’s work, criticism, political aspirations, him and the Pope, sexual orientation. But I’ll bet you can’t tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You’ve never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. If I asked you about women, you could give me a syllabus of your personal favorites, and maybe you’ve been laid a few times, too. But you can’t tell me how it feels to wake up next to a woman and be truly happy. You’re a tough kid. If I asked you about war, you’d probably throw Shakespeare at me, “Once more unto the breach dear friends.” But you’ve never been near one. You’ve never held your best friend’s head in your lap, watched him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. If I asked you about love, you’d probably quote me a sonnet. But you’ve never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable, known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you, who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn’t know what it’s like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn’t know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms “visiting hours” don’t apply to you. You don’t know about real loss, ’cause it only occurs when you’ve loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much.”
But they should be applauded for trying, for the average Joe will do most anything to avoid sadness and pain. It’s why comedy is so effective at breaking down the barrier to hard emotions. A spoon full of sarcasm makes the medicine go down. Folks can finally handle a difficult subject by getting a few laughs out of it.
It’s also why small talks were invented to enable conversations without the need to go to dark places. Folks can finally act like friends without having to understand each other. It’s best to learn the art of small talks, especially if you want to be social, to network, or just to not embarrass your loved ones. Small talks revolve around unoffending topics like the weather, sports, pets, vacations, etc. And like all else, you can get decent at it through practicing.
A trick to keep small talks going is through segueing, which is to transition with a component from the previous topic. This method actually works for any kind of conversation, not withholding small talks, but it’s not much needed if you already pass the small talk phase with the other party. You start with a general statement to include a location and an activity involving a loved one, like a child or a pet. The next party transitions by using stated location, activity, or their own family members.
For example, one starts with: “This past weekend, we took our dog, Zeus, for a hike at Zion National Park.” This opening can be segued into many paths, as the next person may continue about their own pet, about Zion, about hiking, or about the weather this past weekend. Perhaps they know someone whose child is named Zeus as well. It’s wise to keep it light and small, so one should steer clear of controversial remarks. If you are itching to say something about Zeus, best leave it be.
When the sarcasm starts trickling in because you can no longer keep it to yourself, know that the conversation about nothingness is going nowhere good. It’s time to retire to your dark place to indulge in the solitude of your inner loneliness.
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